But what if you just don't see a bright side. What if you find yourself surrounded by people who seem to hate you, more, want to kill you? Say you run away, you jump off a cliff into the ocean thinking to end it all, only to find yourself still alive. The drop not as steep as you had thought, the water kind. Surrounded by cliffs, you'll never survive a swim half way around the world, so what do you do? You really wanted to die.
You press the x key, which makes you sink to the bottom of the ocean and you wait there, very still.
After a minute or so bubbles start coming from your mouth, you are choking, you are taking in water, your health is declining rapidly and in bright red letters: -400, -800, -1500. It is alarming, but this is what you want. You are watching yourself die. You are killing yourself. You make a final jerky move and then you're dead. You've drowned yourself.
There are a couple of good reasons to kill your avatar or let yourself die in WoW. You always resurrect in a graveyard near where you died, and sometimes if you are trying to get to a difficult place where there are lots of monsters, it's easier to kill yourself and resurrect in a graveyard that is nearer to the place you are trying to reach. Another reason to kill yourself is if you have fallen into an ocean surrounded by cliffs and it will take you 45 minutes to swim to a place where you can safely climb out. It's quicker to kill yourself and start over.
It's just a game, right?
Right. But I felt really creeped out watching myself purposely kill avatar recently. It felt deeply unnatural, even though it was just a game, even though I knew I would resurrect. In those minutes sitting there watching my avatar die I couldn't help but think of the people in my life who have killed themselves and never resurrected, and the others who threatened it but haven't yet gone through with it. What perceived hatreds, what monsters, what cliffs too high, what love too lost, what hope too frayed, what waters too deep to keep that finger pressed on the x button, no resurrection in sight.